


You Got a Fast Car

by ClownBoy



Category: Batman (1966), Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: Arkham (Video Games), Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: Batmobile, i guess this counts as fluff in this universe, idk man i just work here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-19 07:42:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19970443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClownBoy/pseuds/ClownBoy
Summary: On the way to Arkham Asylum, Joker asks the Batman on a date.





	1. Chapter 1

"No, see, I have this old line," he pointed, jingling the handcuffs. 

"Old line?" 

"Works every time." 

"I doubt that." 

"Of course you do. Lethal, though. Gotta be careful where and when I use it." He wiggled his eyebrows. 

The eye contact and skid of clown shoes was making him regret not doing a fireman's carry. Nevertheless... "Try me." 

"I can only use it if you're _certain_ you can live with it working its magic. You're sure?" 

"Sure." 

"Well... If you're sure. Lotta build-up, though. The pressure is on, and I fear I may struggle to perform." 

"..." 

"Fine, fine. It's this," he took a deep breath, "I want your body... Don't worry... I'll give it back." 

"Hm." 

"Good right?" 

"No." 

"Oh, come on! Not even a second- Not even for a second you were wowed and overcome?" 

"No." 

"I hate you more than anything," he smiled. 

"I hate you more." 

"Then prove it." 

_**BANG!**_ The sound of a distant crash had them clinging to eachother for dear life, the clown in his arms. But, after a moment, Batman sighed and dragged on. Joker let go of the caped crusader's arm, dangling limp again. 

"You're wearing out my shoes, you know." 

"Then walk." 

"I refuse." 

"Then don't complain." 

He rolled his eyes. "Quiero un abogado." 

A vehicle seemed to appear out of nowhere. "Get in." 

But he went even more limp, resulting in bridal carry and rather ungraceful plop into the passenger's seat. The bat lifted Joker's chin up. It fell to the side. For a moment, the ride was quiet. Of course, a couple blocks in, the clown's uncuffed hand began to wander along the dashboard, seat, and window. 

"Don't touch that." 

"Oh, I can stop any time. Just show me the aux cord and we're even, buddy." 

"Absolutely not." 

"YO, SIRI! Unless you want me to sing. SIRI! Don't make me, Bats." 

Batman sighed, pointing to a port just left of an eject button. He did his best to ignore both the bedazzled device Joker pulled from his pocket and all the music that came from it. While he did not recognize every song, Highway to Hell and Low Rider were memorable enough. 

"I'd like to ask a personal question." 

"Don't expect a personal answer." 

"Very fair. I'm only curious. Assuming neither of us are preoccupied and, godwilling, the weather, I don't suppose you'd join me for a casual affair?" 

He swore the vocals were Freddie Mercury, but the tune escaped him. 

"Not the Friday upcoming but the next one. Should be sunny." 

"What are you planning?" 

"Legal activities. Mano a mano." 

"Mano y mano." 

"That's what I said." 

_A little bit of Monica..._

"I think you'd like it. No offense, charmed as I am to run into you, often physically, it's straining the budget to have to put a whole block up in flames just to chance a visit before you sneak out the back." 

The music stopped. 

"I'm sure you know that part of the dock that's been under construction for ten years with surprisingly well-maintained caution tape. Never seen anyone work on it, either. Seven o'clock." A left turn made the shackles jingle. "Show. Don't show. But don't say I didn't warn you." 

_My friends are gonna be there, too. I'm on the HIGHWAY-_

"And tonight's capture will not be an issue. In fact..." 

Batman grabbed Joker by the free wrist. 

"WHAT!?" 

"Do not. Blow up. My car." 

"I'M GONNA BREAK OUT ONCE WE GET THERE, YOU MORON." 

"Oh." He let go, carefully navigating a turn past the 24-hour diner. 

"Firm grip, I'll give you that." 

The next few blocks. Quiet. That old steel gate appeared, and they came to a gentle stop. The car doors opened. 

"Come on." 

No dragging this time. They walked side by side. In fact, this time Batman didn't even shake Joker's pinky off his. 

The receptionist stood the moment they walked in, readied her own handcuffs, and motioned to security without a word. 

"Miss me?" Well, the batcuffs were gone. He watched the scaffolded cape slip into the shadows. "Thanks for the ride." 

"... No problem." 

The new cuffs clicked. "FRIDAY-!" With one shove from the guards, the clown had also disappeared. Quiet at the front desk. Quiet on the street. 

Quiet in the batmobile, too. He sat a moment before plugging in the aux cord. Highway to Hell kinda slapped, after all.


	2. Send in the Clowns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker's date is a go... but it's not Batman who shows.

Despite heightened security, he heard about the breakout on Wednesday. Part of him wasn't as thorough patrolling as he could've been. And then Friday came. 

It was still light out at seven. He checked his watch. Seven ten. 

A little race striped car jerked dangerously close to the water, and a familiar face popped out of the window. 

"... You're not Batman." 

"He was unavailable." 

Bruce got in the car. "Is this a Ford Pinto?" 

"Your guess is as good as mine." He looked over his shoulder. 

It really wasn't. 

The car inched forward and slammed to a hault. "Got a spot I think you'll like. Bear with me." 

"Do you- I can drive if y-" 

"I got it!" 

They flung into reverse. 

When he was done focusing on his breathing, he noticed there was music on. 

_Uptown girl! She's been livin' in her uptown world-_

He looked up at Joker. 

"Don't blame me. This is shortwave, buddy." 

The shift to gravel road was audible, especially with the unchanging speed. 

"Pardon my motor skills. My usual driver is busy." 

"I gave mine the night off, too." 

The clown nodded. "Hope it's paid leave." 

Another jolt from the brakes and they were at a chain link fence with a clear no trespassing sign. He looked back to an empty drivers seat. The trunk popped open. 

He left the car to see Joker brandishing a crowbar and closing the trunk. Bruce watched him scrunch up the wire and realized it wasn't even attached to the poles. 

"You said this would be legal." He ducked under the fence. 

"No, no, it's alright," he waved a hand. "I owned this land." He ducked under and yanked the chain link back in place with the bar's hooked end. "Used it as headquarters before they deemed it 'hazardous' and took it off my hands. Speaking of, would you take mine?" 

"Only if you drop that crowbar." 

He chucked it and held his hand out. 

Bruce took it and they began navigating the dried grass. 

"I don't suppose me putting up my own fake sign is legal?" 

"That it's not." 

The sun started setting just as the rundown rides became visible. Bruce wordlessly watched Joker tinker with the breaker box and lead him to the ferris wheel. The gears squeaked into motion. 

"I assume heights are not an issue," he bowed, "Mister Wayne." 

"No need for that. You gonna stop that thing for boarding?" 

"I said legal. Not safe." 

"Fair enough." 

By the time they hopped on it like a haphazard ski lift and made it to the top, it was dark. They sat nearly halfway across from each other. Joker crossed his legs which seemed to compromise the safety rail. 

He uncrossed them, rocking the gondola. "Huh." 

"Hmm?" 

"You can see the Wayne Enterprises building from here." He swung his feet. 

"Yeah." 

They were looking into the axle now. 

"I was nervous... to come here." 

"I was nervous you'd show." 

"..." 

"Yeah, I got the girl on standby in case this goes belly-up." He gave a thumbs up. 

Distantly, Bruce noticed the red and black harlequin with binoculars and some large, blunt object standing in the light of an animatronic fortune teller. She returned the thumbs up. 

"Then why did you come?" 

"I know Batman hates me. Do you hate me?" 

"We've never formally met." 

The gears stopped squeaking. Funny enough, the gondola stopped with more grace than the car. 

"Hmm... well we've got a climb down. Come, Mister Wayne." 

"Actually, I don't mind the view." 

He crossed his legs again. "You've got lint on your... May I?" 

He nodded. 

Picking carefully at the lapels of a man he'd punched square in the face was an odd feeling. He also brushed away some dirt he noticed on the knee of Bruce's trousers. 

" 'Affair'." 

"What?" 

"Is this a date?" 

"Not yet. We haven't danced, dear." 

The gears squeaked again. They turned to see Harley at the breaker box, thumbs up, and dash into the woods. 

Joker laughed. "Prep for landing!" He stood on the seat with his knees bent. 

He landed, offering Bruce an arm. 

Bruce didn't take it. "Don't want to crush you." 

"IS THAT A SMILE I SEE?" 

"What? No." 

"YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF." 

They heard steps on the gravel. It wasn't Harley. It was someone in a hoodie with a red bag under their arm. "Hey, uh, are you," they looked at their phone, "Jack?" 

"Large cheese pizza! That's me." 

Bruce dug in his pockets. "Finding this place must've been a nightmare." 

They shrugged, handing the clown the pizza. 

"Here." Bruce handed them a bill. 

"You folks have a good night." 

"Thank you." He sniffed the box. 

The crunch of gravel became softer and softer. 

Turning the box to Bruce, he shrugged his shoulders. "I assumed you were wise enought to not eat anything I prepared." He opened it. 

"Good call." 

"You skippin' carbs?" 

He shrugged. "Not today." 

"Pull up a chair!" He shoved a slice in his mouth. 

They ate on the steps of a pirate ship which provided a calm, though choppy, breeze. 

"You know, everyone says abandoned amusement parks are creepy, but you really seem to belong here." 

"I'm creepy." 

"No, no! I meant you seem. In your element." 

Joker didn't smile. Well, not his usual smile. There were no teeth. It actually reached his eyes. It looked almost real. But then it vanished and he stood bolt upright, cupping his mouth with his hands. 

"HARLEY! BUMPER CARS!! Please." 

There was a crack of electricity. Across the way, blue and red light filled a gutted little attraction. Knocked over and charred little cars surrounded it. Only about half the lights worked. Or half at a time. But it was gorgeous. 

He ran ahead, each step echoing off the ceiling rafters. "SOLID GROUND UNDER HERE. STABLE, I PROMISE! I didn't wear a glossy eye to not be danced with." 

Walking in only made Bruce worried about faulty wiring and collapse. 

"I'm assuming rich boy know how to cha-cha." 

"That he does." 

That sparkly phone was back. _I'm just a gigolo..._

"But does he know how to follow?" 

"Uh, he can try." 

He slipped off his gloves and threw them to the wall. 

Admittedly, the echo did ring nicely. And Joker was a surprisingly good dancer. Insistent eye contact. Man, he liked the cucaracha. But the music and stars were nice. And Bruce only saw Harley poke her head in and motion cutting her throat twice. 

Joker kissed his ear. 

"I don't wanna stain your face. That mug costs money." 

"...I have some to spare." 

Before he knew it, he had a clown's mouth in his mouth. The thumb on his cheek was... gentle.

"I, uh. You look nice." His steps echoed up the stairs. "Even without the pointy ears." 

"Thanks. I-I like your makeup." 

He laughed. And turned back, hands in his pockets. "I assume you've got your own ride home." 

"Yeah." 

He nodded. And the sound of his steps became softer and softer. 

* 

The batmobile was quiet. And the Joker was on the run.


End file.
